Being an artist by nature often means being unsure/insecure. At least that's the case for a lot of people I know in the arts, though not all. For me, that is definitely the case. We do so much work, putting all our energy and heart into it, and often times nothing will come of it. You 'fail' over and over again and have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go at it in 5th gear once more. You have to deal with very harsh criticism and difficult people. You have to develop a very thick skin. Or at least be able to hide your feelings.It's a career choice that is not for the insecure and yet so many of us in it are that way.
After a while, this can take it's toll. You can let your fears and doubts creep in. This has happened to me on many an occasion. What made it worse and blew it up though, was having someone else's voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough. And when that voice comes from someone you love, some who's approval you are seeking, it can have a very detrimental effect. What's even worse is that you sometimes don't even realise what's happening. It took my best friend to point out to me that the voice of insecurity and the loss of belief in myself was not coming from me - it was coming from outside.
There have been times when I thought about giving up. To stop with music. To think about entering the real world again and to get a 'proper' job. And there have been times when I thought I meant it. But then something always happens. I CAN'T STOP. I just can't. It lives in me and it won't let go. There is nothing else for me. So the heart wins out.
"My mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me."
Author Unknown
Something always pulls me back to music. And sometimes it's something so simple - a song, and interview from an artist, or even some pain I'm feeling that I just had to put into a song. So now I have an acceptance that it's just in me. Music is me.
"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand."
Jacques Benigne Bossuel
See this picture below?
I don't know if that does anything for you when you look at it. For me, I get a rush. It gets my heart beating faster. It's like nothing else. Simply looking at this picture drives me. I want that. The stage, the lights, the mic, the audience.
Once again, I'll close out with Steve Jobs:
"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."
Steve Jobs
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