What Oprah Knows for Sure About Miracles

Back to positivity! Was feeling sad all of yesterday and wasn't fully sure why.
When that happens I always try to surround myself with inspiration.
Here's a little article from Oprah...


My entire life is a miracle. And so is yours. That I know for sure.

No matter how you came to be—whether you were wanted or "an accident" (as I was labeled for many years)—your being here to read these words is awesome.

I say that not knowing the details of your life. What I do know is that every person carries her own story of hope and sorrow, victory and loss, redemption, joy, and light.

Everyone has had their share of life lessons. How well you learn from them is up to you.

When you choose to see the world as a classroom, you understand that all experiences are here to teach you something about yourself. And that your life's journey is about becoming more of who you are. Another miracle: We all get to share in the journey.

The hardest experiences are often the ones that teach us the most. I say this having just gotten off the phone with my lawyers discussing how to handle two pending lawsuits. The first question I asked them was, "What is this suit really about, and what am I supposed to learn from it?" Only when I can perceive what the real lesson is can I make the best decision—and grow from the experience.

After everything that's happened to me in nearly 57 years on this Earth, what I'm most proud of is that I remain open to evolving. I know that every physical encounter has a metaphysical meaning. And I'm open to seeing it all.

I want to keep doing better and being better at who I am until I fulfill the promise of the miracle that is this life.

"Your life's journey is about becoming more of who you are."

AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Very, very frustrated. Stark contrast to yesterday's blog, I know.
Mother Nature is at it again.
First, she created a Winter Wonderland all over Europe while I was in France so that I was stuck there. Not so bad in Paris, but the entire day spent in a car going nowhere in Calais started to turn me loopy. But all was good. I felt blessed to have taken a trip with my best friends to the mainland.
But now she has struck again.
There is now a blizzard in New York which means my flight has been cancelled. No big deal I thought. I can just catch a flight the next day, in two days at the worst. But no, the earliest I can fly out is in six days time. Six. After the new year. Why this is the case is completely beyond me. Apparently there is some back log from Christmas. Not buying that, but there's not much I can do about it.
Being stranded at home isn't such a bad thing. At least, it wouldn't be if someone was actually at home, but there won't be anyone here. So home alone with nothing to do for a week...over new year as well. There had to be another option. And there was.
I am flying into Washington in two days time. But I have to figure out Washington to New York now which is proving to be annoying and expensive. Potentially lots of coaches, walking around, metro trains, further buses and then the lovely New York subway system before I make it home. All the while negotiating two suitcases in the freezing cold. Good times.
I'm beyond annoyed. Beyond irritated. Verging on mad.
I was writing this hoping that it would calm me down, get me rational and back to the present moment. There is nothing I can do about it so I have to let it go and make the best of it. Not quite happening right now. Maybe later...

Pure Thought

I receive 'daily om' emails. This was one from November that I hadn't read yet. It spoke to me because it's a perfect blend of various ideas that I believe. It draws on Eckhart Tolle's idea of being in the now, living in the present as well as the law of attraction's philosophy that our thoughts and emotions create our reality by drawing more of the same towards us. It's a nice amalgamation of various schools of thought whose root is the same.

Pure thought is focused attention which creates power and energy because there is no distraction.


If we make no effort at all, our thoughts usually scatter in a vast array of directions. They start and stop and move in surprising ways from one second to the next. If we try to follow our thoughts without controlling them, we will be amazed at how truly inconsistent they are. Yet, if we apply our minds to a specific task, especially one that interests us, they gather together and allow us to focus our attention, creating great power and energy. This is what is known as pure thought, because it is undistracted.

The law of attraction—like attracts like—influences all energy, including our thoughts, and this is what makes pure thought so potent. Our undistracted thoughts create a powerful magnet that draws similar energy into our vibrational field. As a result, the longer we are able to hold positive thoughts in our minds, the more powerful the positive energy around us becomes. We don’t need to focus on action and controlling so much when we are surrounded by energy that draws what we want toward us. We can simply respond to the opportunities that naturally come our way. When this is the essence of our experience, we can go with the flow, knowing that we will be okay.

If pure thought is a body, it is our emotions that supply the heart that can really bring it to life. Our thoughts and feelings exist in relation to one another, and they form a feedback loop through which they communicate and empower each other. When we hold a thought in our mind without being distracted, we have achieved pure thought. When we have a positive emotional response to that thought, we enable it to dance and move and breathe itself into existence.



"All that we are is the result of what we have thought."
Lord Buddha

Merry Christmas!!

It's Never Too Late

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Baz Luhrmann

No Limits

I'm not setting any limits for myself next year.
That is all!

(artwork Valerie Lorimer)

Belle, The Thinking Woman's Princess! :)

Gaston: This is the day your dreams come true.
Belle: What do you know about my dreams, Gaston?
Gaston: Plenty! Here, picture this: A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet, while the little ones play on the floor with the dogs. We'll have six or seven.
Belle: Dogs?
Gaston: No, Belle! Strapping boys, like me!
Belle: Imagine that.
Gaston: And do you know who that little wife will be?
Belle: Let me think...
Gaston: You, Belle!
Belle: Gaston, I'm-I'm speechless. I really don't know what to say.
Gaston: Say you'll marry me!
Belle: I'm very sorry, Gaston... but... but I just don't deserve you!

Bonjour Paris!

“If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a movable feast.”
Ernest Hemmingway

Expectations

Being back home and interacting with certain people (mainly family members) has brought all sorts of thoughts and feelings to the surface for me - most of them uncomfortable. One thing that has stood out a lot is expectation. There is plenty of it when it comes to family. I believe it has it's place. It almost has to, even if ideally it shouldn't. For example, one of my cousin's got married and I haven't met his wife so far. I'm not close to that cousin, I haven't seen him in years and we live in different countries. But his wife happens to be here in the UK so it was my duty to go and visit her. There was an expectation that I should. That's fine.
But talking to her, I noticed that all of her questions were concerning my work and education, when I was considering moving back home, was I intending to do a masters etc. I'm sure if I had been there longer than an hour the conversation would have turned to marriage. We had only just met. My questions were concerning how she found it being in a foreign country, did she miss home etc. Her's were all the big life questions. The important stuff as far as my culture goes.
I'm some what of an anomaly in my family. In most families probably. But it got me thinking about expectations. And how I've pretty much defied all the ones that were placed upon me. But the big two hover somewhere over my head, flying lower and lower all the time. Will I get a 'proper' job/career? And will I get married and have children? The clock seems to be ticking loud as far as everyone else is concerned. Which is starting to make me become more aware of it. Is that a good thing? Was I just floating along in my New York bubble ignoring the larger issues in life? Or was I actually living my life the way I want to live it. I think I can be easily swayed at times. Not to the point where I'll act on someone else's feelings or suggestions, but enough that it will sow a seed of doubt into my head and make me question everything. With many points of view currently flying in my direction (most that conflict with mine) I have to remain aware. I have to sift through that information and other people's expectations to work out and define what I truly expect from myself and from my life.

Baby, Baby

I've been spending time with my nephew. He's about nine months old now and he's a really good, chilled out, fun kid. I adore him. BUT, I'm not one of those women that oooh and coo over babies. My mother pushes the poor kid upon me and when my reaction isn't to instantly jump and down in ecstasy over him it's a huge disappointment to her. It's no secret that she would like another grandchild - via her only daughter. But we're missing one vital ingredient here, as my best friend pointed out, the sperm donor!
But as she said to me yesterday, she's hoping that by me spending time with my nephew, he'll 'change' me. Change me into what exactly?
I have never been one to fawn over babies. Never will be. Puppies play that role in my life. I have always thought I wanted children and I still believe I do. The idea that it will be my own child. A product of the union of myself and the man I love. Sounds peachy. But someone else's child? Even if it's my brothers? Well, I'm happy to play with him, to hang out with him, to love him...and then hand him back!
But the pressure to conform into that type of woman is fairly high. The sad thing is that to be made to feel like you're lacking somehow takes away from how you really do feel. My mother's insistence on her version of me loving my nephew takes away from the love I do feel for him. It makes it seem like it's not enough. And it is.
All of this just serves to make me miss my baby Belle even more!

There's No Place Like Home

So the next two weeks finds me back home in England. I haven't been at home for over two years so it's a strange feeling. It gets you thinking about the concept of 'home'. Playfully, I wrote as my Facebook status, 'Dorothy's back in Kansas'. Apparently there's no place like home.
But home has become a fluid concept for me. I've been living away from home, overseas, for a few years now. I have created a different life for myself. But big city life in New York is an odd little experience. In a short time you can develop deep relationships. But they may only be there for a season. At the same time, it's also a very lonely place. Especially for the dream seekers and fighters. In the moments when I feel lost and alone I imagine being back home in England. But now that I'm here, I find myself missing my new home, and the people in it.
Part of me is here in England. My old friends, my family, creature comforts and home cooked food. Things you can't get anywhere else. People that have known and loved you for years.
But now, part of me is in New York. I have a new life, and I've been through so many life changing experiences there that I've changed as a person. There are people I've let into my life that know the me I am now. They've been in the passenger seat to so many experiences I've now been through. Events that have changed me.
So my conclusion? Well I'm still working it out. But I will say one thing I've found to be true. Home is definitely where the heart is :)

A Daily Om Quote

When connection is the goal of an interaction rather than captivation, and sharing rather than seeking, your energy speaks of confidence.

Sometimes Love Comes Around...

And it knocks you down.
Just get back up when it knocks you down...

Tell It Like It Is!

In a relationship I can be a little difficult to deal with at times. You know, in between those moments when I'm polishing my halo! So I saw this quote from Marilyn and absolutely fell in love with it!

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Touche Miss Marilyn!

Wise Words From Tink!

Live today, await tomorrow, remember yesterday... everything happens for a reason. Life's too short... dance naked!

Did I Do It?!

The answer is yes!
When I woke up on the morning of November 29th I was about 12000 words behind. Over a fifth of my novel hadn't been written. And I knew I wouldn't have time on the 30th to get a last minute ditch effort in.
So it was that one day or nothing.
My day ended at about 5am but the satisfaction I got from completing my novel was amazing! I use the word 'complete' very loosely as it is nowhere near completion. I have to go back and fill in major holes in the plot, go more in depth on character and location descriptions, and I may not end it exactly where I did. Not to mention a major grammar and spell check that has to be carried out.
But I did it!
A novel (in some form or fashion!) has been written... now on to the edit!
And I'm already sure I want to participate in the madness again next year :)
Never underestimate the power in setting a deadline!

First Of The Last

First day of the last month of the year.
Time to start thinking about what I've accomplished.
But more importantly, what I want to accomplish...

*Don't forget - World AIDS Day 2010*

What Do You Know For Sure?

If you're familiar with Oprah Winfrey at all, you will be familiar with that question. It was asked to her many years agao and she was stumped for an answer. Now it's her favourite question to ask people. With her show in it's final season, here are 'The Top 20 Things Oprah Knows for Sure'.
I thought they made for an incredible list. We all need reminding sometimes...


"Since the day the late Gene Siskel asked me, "What do you know for sure?" and I got all flustered and started stuttering and couldn't come up with an answer, I've never stopped asking myself that question. And every month I must find yet another answer. Some months I feel I hardly know a thing, and I'm always pressed to make the deadline for this column. This time around, in honor of our tribute to the subject, I looked back and came up with my all-time top 20:

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. (This is my creed.)

2. You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.

3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)

5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.

6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.

9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.

10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.

11. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

13. Let passion drive your profession.

14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.

15. Love doesn't hurt. It feels really good.

16. Every day brings a chance to start over.

17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

18. Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

19. When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

20. "Trouble don't last always." (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)

So thanks, Gene, for asking me the question. The answer continues..."


Might have to keep coming back to that one!

Catch Up!

So I'm a tad behind on the novel...14 000 words behind! but I have seven days to go and nothing but opportunity, time and energy to fill those gaps!

Update

Just a quick update. Writing is going very well indeed! I'm speeding on. Currently at over 20,000 words which is over 2000 ahead of schedule. I know the next week I won't be able to be as on point as I have been so I'm trying to get ahead while I can. Send me luck!

And So It Begins!

So I'm proud to say that I signed up for NaNoWriMo and I started my novel today. I'm currently at over 2500 words which means I am well on target. So my blogs may be sporadic this month. We'll see. But I shall keep you informed!
30 days. 50,000 words. Wish me luck!

NaNoWriMo

I have been writing a book over the last couple of years. For the last few months I have been wanting to sit back down and work on it but for some reason, inspiration hasn't been hitting. And I think that at this present time, the subject matter is not one that is striking a chord with me. I also have another potential book buzzing around in my head, but I don't know where to begin and exactly what to put in it. The subject matter is pretty sensitive and I didn't know how to tackle it.
I can't remember if I mentioned this before but I came across 'National Novel Writing Month' sometime in the Spring. The idea of NaNoWriMo is to write a novel within a month, consisting of 50 000 words or more. It's supposed to be a freeing exercise, not with the intention of writing a masterpiece, but just to get you to write. And the idea of a deadline is always great for tackling a goal and feeling the sense of achievement once you hit your target. Back when I read about it, November seemed a long way away. Now, it's upon us, and I decided to take part.
One of the people that started it is a guy called Chris Baty. He wrote a book called 'No Plot, No Problem' which is about NaNoWriMo with tips and ideas about how to approach it and how to get through it. Me being the nerd that I am, I'm reading the book. It's getting me more psyched to do it. So here's to my literary not-so masterpiece!

One More...!

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. "
Elizabeth Gilbert

Soul Mates

Another quote from Elizabeth Gilbert. They are just speaking to me right now :)

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

Potential Illusions

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
Elizabeth Gilbert

Last Minute

I am notorious for being a last minute person. Every. Single. Day. From waiting til the last minute to complete a project, last minute revision for exams, and the thing that leads to my worst trait - getting ready at the last minute so that I am always late. Always late! It feels so ingrained in me though. I don't know if I could change it even if I wanted to. I think in some cases, it can add a well needed dose of stress or adrenaline to make you perform or complete something better. But at most times, I don't think it serves the greater good. A little stress may be ok, but why add it to every day? When I delay leaving the house, I end up constantly looking at the time, stressing on delayed trains, thinking of excuses to tell people as to why I'm so late.
Today I am doing another last minute thing. One of my friends is in the musical 'Wicked' on Broadway in New York City. I've been meaning to go and see him for months. Actually, years. And now he's down to his last two weeks before he leaves. Better late than never!

This Life Is What You Make It

Just found the full Marilyn Monroe quote that I posted a short while ago. Wise words from Miss Monroe!

"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

Bridge The Gap

Change is arriving...I can feel it. That discontent has sat with me for the past few days. It's not a sad one. It just feels like a change is necessary. With what I don't yet know. All I know is to stay positive and present as much as possible and let the rest take its course.
I have to make some decisions in the very near future. I've been procrastinating. They involve different areas of my life that seem to be going head to head. One decision involves choosing between a family obligation and a self development opportunity. Then there are also matters of money and matters of the heart to take into account. They are time and money sensitive things and delaying them is doing me no good. Somehow life always lands you with a decision to choose between what you 'should' do and what you want to do. Obligation over opportunity? Head over heart?
Currently seeking ways to bridge the gap...

Finally

I've been listening to a lot of Brandy lately - old and new(ish!). This song was on repeat when I was going through a tough time last year. Today I'm posting it for anyone who's ever been in a bad relationship, especially an abusive one. It can take strength to be strong enough to do what it takes to leave. It can feel impossible. Like an insurmountable mountain, but there's always a way. Always. And when you look back you'll wonder who that person was in the relationship. The person that resembles you visually, but inside, you've grown and strengthened so much that they are almost unrecognisable. Here's to knowing you have the strength to do anything you want to.

Seclusion

Been a little discontented today. Not sure what that's about but a fair bit of my annoyance has been directed in one individual's direction. So...I'm secluding myself for a little while. Choosing to enjoy the day. Stress free, listening to music, singing, watching my tv show (Grey's Anatomy!), cups of tea, some writing and now a bit of painting. The arts...My remedy!
It's good to know when to take yourself out of the equation. And more than that, to take responsibility for how you feel. To not take it out on someone else, or to expect someone else to make things better and make you happy. Nope. This one's on me. And it's working!

Fear Is Stupid

"We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets."
Marilyn Monroe

Small And Simple

Yesterday I had one of those days where you feel great because you got a lot accomplished. There have been a number of things that I needed to get to done for longer than I care to reveal, but I powered through them all yesterday. Put a check next to everything on that list. So much so that today I'm wondering what to do with myself! Anyway, the power of small goals can be immense. Time to cross that thinking over to my career...


"Great things are done by a series of small things brought together"
Vincent Van Gogh

Odds On Love

Does your heart ever tell you things that go way beyond common sense? Does it speak to you so strongly sometimes but your head knows that what it is saying is wrong? Or maybe I shouldn't say wrong. Maybe I should potentially hurtful or heartbreaking for you. Why is it that your heart sometimes sends you careening down those paths that are destined for it's own ruin? Is it the lessons you learn on the journey and at the destination? Or just so you have the exquisite torment of those emotions? So that you can feel. As a reminder that you are living. Not just existing but living.
And why oh why does it speak so strongly? To the point where in a girl like me, it drowns out the mind. Completely. It seems like a form of insanity. Or maybe, it's just a shot at happiness. A shot at the greatest happiness with the greatest risk. Where the odds may be stacked against you, but you go for it anyway. And 9 times out of 10, maybe it doesn't work. Like the odds on long distance love for example. But what if you were that one? The heart says to hell with probability. If there's a shot at your dream - your heart is going to speak on it. It's up to you to listen.

Just some food for thought...

Keep Smiling

Wanted to post this because I just came across it and it fell in line so well with what I was writing about yesterday.



"Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."
Marilyn Monroe

Smell The Roses

This morning I woke up nice and early after a long, long sleep. I got up, made some tea, fed the pup and relaxed watching some True Blood (!). Then I turned around and saw Belle snoozing on the bed by my side. So I snuggled up next to her and fell asleep again.
Very simple morning. But I was completely aware. Aware of how happy I was, and how perfect it was. So I say this to say, that being aware, and living in the present moment has so many gifts. Gifts that most of us don't usually take in. But there's so much perfection in so many moments each day. So many things to be grateful for. So stop. Smell the roses. Smell the coffee. Be happy. :)

Make Room...

I'm learning to let go and move on. Slowly but surely I can feel it happening. I think there are moments when your heart or maybe even your mind realise that the process is happening and they panic. And they bring up the past, they shove memories into your mind and longing into your heart. But it passes. And each of those moments is getting shorter and shorter.
But more than getting over someone, this is about loving myself. When you let people treat you badly, you aren't loving yourself. And once you go past deceit and you have awareness, well, then it gets to the point where you deserve what you're getting if you choose to stay in that same place. By surrendering to a bad situation and letting it go I have made room for blessings that have already entered. And thankfully they have entered in the form of people. Life has brought some amazing people into the mix lately and I'm so grateful. And when you get treated right, you realise just how much you were being treated wrong. Thank goodness for wake up calls. And for wonderful people.

An Evening With Eckhart

Yesterday night I had the wonderful opportunity of seeing Eckhart Tolle give a talk in New York City. It was in the Riverside church up in Harlem so the backdrop was truly beautiful. Seeing the man in person meant a lot to me as I often cite Eckhart as the reason for a big spiritual shift internally for me. Or should I say, he was the sign post pointing to something that was there all along. Moving to New York and taking the career/life/love/family risks that I have has been a spiritual journey for me. I think the whole background to my journey has been one of longing, of searching to find meaning. But when I first opened his book, 'A New Earth', it was like he had put into the written word what I felt and sensed inside but couldn't realise or make sense of.
I believe things happen at the perfect time in life. Books are introduced to you, a song will play on the radio, a chance encounter will bring words you needed to hear, etc. To be able to see Eckhart during this period of immense growth in my life was truly amazing and I feel grateful. And just like when I would see his talks on the net, when he laughs, we all laugh :)

So Miss Him!

In the last two months in the process of healing a broken heart there has been one thing that has made it easier. I am a huge fan of the book 'Eat, Pray, Love' so I went to see the movie starring Julia Roberts. While the movie didn't touch the book I still enjoyed it (and I feel that just like the book , it came out at the right time for me!). It made me remember certain things about the book and a few quotes and moments came to mind. One particular part has helped me more than I can describe. It's when Elizabeth Gilbert is talking to her friend 'Richard from Texas' about the man she left behind in New York. The guy she was trying to get over. There might be a little ad libbing in here...!

E: But I love him!
R: So love him.
E:But I miss him!
R: So miss him. And then drop it.
And every time you think of him, send him light and love, but that's it.

And then at the end, Elizabeth is saying the same words to make peace with herself about her failed marriage with her husband. She adds these words "Don't worry. It won't last forever. Nothing ever does."
While tinged with sadness, it's also the deepest truth.
So any time that I'm lost in the past, in missing him, in longing for a time that just doesn't exist anymore, or hoping there is a way to mend this mess that was created, I think of that and it brings me peace.
And then I drop it.
(Thanks Richard from Texas!)

Diamond Lady

"I've been through it all, baby, I'm mother courage."
Elizabeth Taylor

She's So Beautiful...And I Tell Her Everyday

This post is dedicated to the most precious, special spirit in my life - my baby Belle.
Whenever I think of things I am grateful for, she tops my list. I often say to people that I can't believe what a gift she is. That I was blessed enough to have her in my life. Can you imagine having something or someone in your life that represents only love? That makes you smile and laugh every single day? That loves unconditionally? That trusts you implicitly?
I look at her every day and just can't believe how much I love her. And it grows and grows. I stare at her sometimes and see the perfection. It's a perfection that we all have, but usually fail to recognise. God made her perfectly, and then bestowed her upon me. What a lucky girl I am :)
It may sound crazy but that little pup got me through the toughest year of my life. She adds a sparkle and a smile to every day. Keeping gratitude alive each day can be difficult, but with her around it's easy.
So here's to my baby Belley. Your mama loves you with all her heart. Thank you babygirl xxx

Sing Sing Sing!

Today was a good one (and I'm only half way through!). I was feeling a little blue thinking about some things I shouldn't be thinking about, so I turned it around. I started singing. It's no big deal except for the fact that I started singing my own songs - in different styles. And it lifted me. Then I went for a run in the sunshine. Felt good.
So my singing for the day has me wanting to get back out there performing again. Nothing crazy. Just some acoustic sets once I've found a guitarist who's game. But that's pretty monumental for me. And finding the joy in singing - in my voice - was a beautiful thing to experience again.

Rebirth

Had a bit more pep in my step lately, I'm glad to say. Kept up with some mini goals I set for myself and I also started up running again. I'm grateful for many things. Most of all - that my heart feels much lighter of late :)
Summer is drawing to a close but it feels like Spring for me. Rebirth.

C

This is my 100th post.
Some perfect words to acknowledge it:

It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting......Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams master the lessons we have learned as we have moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up.... [At this point] Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.
-- Paulo Coelho

1st of the Month

Another first of the month. And summer will soon be drawing to a close - even though it's still blazing hot in New York! I've been thinking about setting some goals for September but I couldn't think of any that I know I'll dedicate myself to for sure. I still seem to be floating through my days with a measure of exhaustion and apathy. So I decided on picking back up on the mini daily goals I used to set for myself each day. Beyond that, more writing. I've slowly been writing more and more blog posts again so that part of me has awakened again.
So for September, for the beginning of another season, let the focus be on ourselves. To our happiness. To our betterment. And to ridding ourselves of negativity.
Here are some words for today:

Don't waste your time, love and energy on people that neither recognise or appreciate it, but choose to abuse it instead. Save it for someone who realises it - starting with yourself.

Holding Pattern

Why is it so hard to let go of something that clearly isn't good for you?
It's that same old magic combination of holding onto the past (and waiting for it's return) or dreaming of the future. We can live in that holding pattern for a long freaking time, even though the 'now' has been pretty awful for a pretty long time.
If it's causing you pain, if it's bringing any kind of negativity to your life - flip it round as fuel, or let it go.
Now, time to listen to my own advice...!

Hello Past? Are You Still There? Or Still here?

This might be a bit random, but here we go...

There's this point that always seems to arrive in a relationship. At first, everything is great. It's new. It's fun. It's exciting. And the 'little' bad things that you've noticed just don't seem so bad. And clearly, all else is so wonderful that you can overlook them/live with them. But then that point arrives. Some incident that changes that rose tinted sheen you had everything awashed in. Now, you can no longer smooth over those cracks. You can no longer overlook anything because every which way your thoughts turn, it seems to be staring you in your mind's eye.
Usually, it involves discovering something from your partner's past. Something that has somehow managed to rear it's ugly head into your present. So now what? What of the future?
As reality sets in and the dreams begins to cool into the harsh light of day, how do you move forward?
Well, I guess it depends on what you've discovered. And what you're comfortable with.
If it is the past rearing it's ugly head but it is still living in yesteryear - let it. But if the past happens to somehow be very much in the now, I would pay very close attention.
But save yourself some time. If something really doesn't sit well with you, if it makes you squirm inside. Drop it. It will never right itself. It never does. Because eventually, you will no longer be able to compromise yourself that much. And so you shouldn't.
Don't let the things you accept become the things you regret.

Compassion

I think you can tell from my earlier posts that I'm a glass half full kind of girl. That I always look for the positive in a situation and that I believe everything happens for a reason. Lately though, and for me this is sad to say, I haven't been feeling that way. And I can see that expressed in my more recent posts.
The best way to describe how I'm feeling is apathetic. When something hurts me I usually cry a million tears, mope about for a while and then get over it. Not this time. There's a cold glaze over me and I haven't been 'feeling' as much. It's an emptiness. It's frustrating. But what it also is, is scary. I've never been so emotionally withdrawn. But I wanted to apologize for not being so upbeat and positive on here. This was about growth. The greatest growth comes in times of pain so I'm hoping that the upside after this down will be a beautiful one.
On a more positive note though - I just read a daily om article that talked about the times when life hands you one thing after another and you feel like you can't cope. Well, you can and you will. And the best way to treat yourself? With compassion through the process. I think that's what I'm gonna do...

Love and Loss

You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.
- Anonymous

Dull and Duller

So August has been a bit of a bust to be honest.

I hate to sit around feeling sorry for myself because I have so many things to be grateful for. And usually, I'll have a day and then it's up and at 'em again. Not this time. I'm been in a funk for about two months now and I can't seem to get out of it yet. I tried taking the time out this month to do whatever I wanted. Whether that was going to yoga, eating a cupcake or even laying around in bed all day. But nothing helped. Nothing enriched me. Everything feels very dulled down. On mute. Nothing is that exciting. Nothing is that fun. And my frustration level is off the Richter scale.
Time heals everything. So onward and upward.

Some Days Are Stone

One of my dad's favourite singers is John Denver. It was my dad's dream to see him in concert in Colorado, John's home. It was announced a few years ago that he would be doing a concert in the Royal Albert Hall in London. My dad decided not to go as he had that vision, that dream, of seeing him in his hometown. I told my dad that he had to go and see him. That you never know what will happen and what the future brings. He changed his mind and went to the concert. He had an amazing time and was really glad he went. Within two years John Denver died in a plane crash.
I guess the moral of the story is multifold. That life is short. Don't put off for tomorrow what you could do today. No regrets.
But there is also the element of things going not exactly how you envision them. Should we hold steadfast to our vision of our dream? Or do we bend? At what point does it become a sacrifice? Obviously I'm going way beyond the scope of the tale I just told. Just some food for thought.
John Denver crossed my mind today because I randomly had a lyric of his run through my mind:
"Some days are diamonds, some days are stone
Sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone."



RIP John Denver

Love Is Never Lost

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.
- Washington Irving

Zapped

It's been a trying month. On the outside, to all the people I interact with on a regular basis, all is rosy in my world. On the inside, a very different story. But last night I was brushing my teeth in front of the mirror (we always look in the mirror at the sink right?) and i looked at myself. I noticed that I looked tired. Really, really tired. And a little lifeless. I noticed that I have filled out a bit (kind way of saying what I'm thinking). And it just felt wrong. Do I need to add that woe to all else that is going on? There's nothing like that to make you feel worse about yourself.
I just want to pause to apologise that I'm on here complaining. Especially when I know my life is blessed. Even with the sheer fact that I have one. But hey, I'm human. Back to what I was saying...
This morning I woke up and there I was brushing my teeth again - feeling the same way. And that's when I decided something has to change now. But behind that want is a feeling of exhaustion. That I can't muster up the energy and willpower to do the things I need to be doing to achieve the goals I want.
Then just now I came across an article (yes, it was on Oprah's website) "8 Energy Zappers—and How to Avoid Them" by Annie Gottlieb. I read it and found it to respond with what I was feeling. It said that while energy is of course related to sleep, nutrients, exercise etc, "70 percent of our total energy is emotional—the kind that manifests as hope, resilience, passion, fun, and enthusiasm."
Well that made sense to me.
What followed was a list that I found interesting. Maybe you will too. Maybe it will help me. Maybe it will help you.

"Here are 8 common energy drains—and how to fix them:

1. Energy drain: Other people's expectations
Are you living someone else's dream for you? You're putting out energy but starving emotionally. The other person gets all the satisfaction.

Energy move: Declare independence
You bought in; you can set yourself free. No confrontation needed, just "I don't have to expect that of myself." Worst-case scenario: Someone who's not you will be disappointed. You will feel wonderful.

2. Energy drain: Loss of self
As kids, we had to play by the rules; our unique energy got caged.

Energy move: Personalize your life
Ask yourself, If it were up to me, what would I...hang on my wall? Wear to work? Do for fun? Find the pockets of freedom where you can be more yourself.

3. Energy drain: Deprivation
Duties and responsibilities fill your days. You gain weight trying to get emotional energy from food.

Energy move: Add pleasure, beauty, fun
Satisfying experiences, large and small, are the real nourishment you crave. Plan a big treat to look forward to—and a little one every day.

4. Energy drain: Envy
We often don't feel envy directly—but we might find someone else's good fortune depressing.

Energy move: Count your blessings
Comparison is a loser's game. Look at what you have, and actively feel grateful. (P.S. That person you envy—you don't know how messy her life really is. Chances are you wouldn't want it if you had it.)

5. Energy drain: Worry
When you worry, you think you're dealing with things, but you're just suffering. Worry never comes up with good ideas. It torments and exhausts us.

Energy move: Get going
Action is the cure for worry. Do one thing that brings you a step closer to coping. If it's the middle of the night, get up and write a to-do list.

6. Energy drain: Unfinished business
Unmade decisions and postponed projects drain you.

Energy move: Do it or dump it
Forget the perfect decision—just trust yourself and make a choice. Put projects in an appointment book. If you can't find any good time, that's a signal you don't want to do it. So don't.

7. Energy drain: Overcommitment
You're always saying "yes"—to your boss, mother, kids, friends; to requests, favors, meetings.

Energy move: Say "yes" to yourself
Tell someone else "no" every once in a while, just to feel your own power. You'll gain a whole new sense of your ability to take care of yourself.

8. Energy drain: Holding on to loss
Fresh loss is an emergency. But old losses you can't let go of are dead weight.

Energy move: Cry all your tears
Indulge in big-time mourning. Take off from work, stay in bed, and do nothing but cry till you're dry—and bored. Then go out and embrace life. "

Had To Laugh...

...even though I'm the girl in this scenario!

The Language Of Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief. . . and unspeakable love."
- Washington Irving

Fearless

Music can get you through anything. Sometimes I choose to listen to nothing when I'm going through heartache. Sometimes I feel that it makes me sink deeper and perpetuate my bad feelings. But sometimes, I can't describe the perfection in hearing your feelings sung to you. How a song can so perfectly fit what you're going through. How it can reach inside your mind and your heart.
Right now, a song that has been accompanying me through this is Colbie Caillat's 'Fearless'. It's perfect. And the beautiful part is that it's hopeful.

Letting Go

Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet.

A Rant...It's About Time

I'm freaking mad right now. I usually fixate on positivity and the good in a situation but today I am writing in a moment of sheer annoyance and pain. I was betrayed so badly by someone I loved and trusted. So badly and for so long. And the thing is they still have the nerve to say they love me and care about me. No. Love is not a word. I love you is not a sentence you just say. It's actions. It's a feeling where that person's well being, that person's heart means something to you. You don't go stepping all over it, taking it for granted and betraying it. You care for it and you protect it.
I feel weird about being so frank to a forum as open and accessible as the internet, but my best friend told me to just write. Whatever it is, whatever I am feeling. Because writing is and always will be a form of release for me. It's cathartic.
So today I am writing because I am mad. And today I am writing with full honesty. I was in deep, deep love with someone. In love to the point where I thought he was the all elusive 'one'. There wasn't a thing I wouldn't do for him and I was 100% down for him. In any way. I thought I would be with him. I saw a future, a family. And speaking of family, he recently introduced me to his. Which was a big deal for both of us. And I loved them. Which only served to solidify the whole - 'he's the one' thing. But as Alicia Keys said in that oh-so-perfect song 'Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart' - "and all the time you were telling me lies..."
So I'm angry. How could someone that I was so close to hurt me like that? How can you say you love me and care for me and then just hurt me? Human beings constantly startle me with their capacity for selfishness. I just don't understand it.
How long does it take to get over someone? As long as it takes. There's no way around the pain. You can't bypass the hurt. The only way out is through. And sometimes that's a long, arduous journey. Til then...

Right Here, Right Now

I'm a big advocate of living in the moment. I read Eckhart Tolle a lot. My copy of his 'New Earth' book looks like it's been through a few wars - and in truth, with me, it has. One thing that I like to put into practice is an exercise he says to try when you feel down/stressed etc. He tells you to stop and ask yourself, 'In this actual moment, right here, right now, is there anything actually wrong?' Often we'll be lying in bed with the world on our shoulders, but it's actually only in our minds. We're there in a comfortable bed with no immediate danger anywhere near us. If most of what we worry about doesn't actually happen, we waste a lot of time worrying about unnecessary things.

So I do that a lot. And often it helps. But today, while nothing is immediately wrong, the reality is that my heart hurts. It got broken and it hurts. Sometimes I feel it less than at other times, but there's really nothing like it is there? And time is the one and only remedy.

Perspective

I went to the beach today. Thought it would be good to sit in front of the ocean and collect my thoughts. I often say it's so hard to 'get out of your head' in New York. Maybe it's the case for anywhere a person lives. I think it was good. I was hoping to have some revelations or insights as to what I want to do with myself and my life, but no such luck.
I do always have a moment though. Where I'm staring off into the horizon and I realise just how small I am. Like zooming out of Google Earth I see myself (with my gargantuan problems and struggles and stories) and then it keeps zooming out, frame by frame. First to the limits of my vision, then to the city, then the country, then the world, and beyond that we have our solar system, many more, the universe and on to infinity. We really are tiny, huh? So how big can our problems really be?

Believe And Be Loved

As predicted I haven't been writing much. I always keep in mind though, that times of great disappointment and difficulty, times where you are tested, those are the times you grow the most. So I must have some exponential expansion going on!
Anyway, my best friend sent me this today and I thought I would share it as the words are pretty comforting (and true!).

MIA

Apologies for being gone for so long. Things haven't been so rosy over here in my world. Sadly, I am currently going through the exquisite pain of heartbreak, coupled with a good dose of betrayal. I'd love to say I'm back on track and will be up to speed with writing on here, but the truth is I probably won't be.
I will say this though - this blog was designed to be a platform for growth as well as structure and happiness. And there's no greater growth time than when you are dealing with pain. So my task for July is to get through it. But in terms of this blog, I hope to share some thoughts and insights. Onwards and upwards with the good solid knowledge that I always have inside - everything will be fine.

Hello Dumbo

Life's kicking my behind these days. I'll be the first to admit I've fallen behind on everything.
I also just found out that I won't be going home next week like I thought I would be (and bear in mind it's been a very, very long time since I've been back). At first, I shrugged my shoulders and accepted it. Went to bed that night, woke up the next morning and felt like a baby elephant was sitting on my chest. Only a baby because an adult elephant is reserved for heartache. But mama dumbo may well soon be joining her infant on my breastbone (don't ask right now, I don't have the energy to go into it). I think it hit me how long I've been away from home. Away from my family, away from my friends. Away from people I love. People who love me. There's been a lot of stress in the last two years and I felt it culminate all in one moment. I had so been looking forward to not only going home, but also getting away. To take a breather, step out of my day to day life and peer back in on it. Refresh, renew, recharge. And then come back to New York strong and ready to keep fighting for my dreams. And then that crashed. No oxygen masks dropped down. My breather was taken away from me.
So right now I'm very homesick. I'm feeling stressed. My work hours suddenly seem unbearable. And matters of the heart have me down on top of everything else. What do I feel I need? Well, seeing as I can't see my friends right now (my number one therapeutic agent), what I want to do is sit on a beach and be in front of the ocean. Maybe in three days time when I finally have a day off I'll do that.
Aah...apologies for the complaints... :-)

Non-acceptance

One thing that I'm really liking about Geneen's book is that a lot of what she's saying falls in line with Eckhart Tolle's teachings (and that man changed my life!). The idea of being in the now, of being in the present. Of not carrying past hurt around with you like luggage, and not judging yourself on past choices/experiences. Having awareness and living in the now.
Here's an excerpt from the book that I found interesting, and believe to be true.

"Stephen Levine, a Buddhist teacher, says that hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Being constantly agitated - another word for non-accepting - about the inevitable. Being in a relationship with someone and refusing to surrender to the love because you don't want to give yourself to something you will eventually lose.
That's called living in hell: refusing to love because you want the endgame to be different than it is. Wanting life to be different from what it is.
That's also called leaving without leaving. Dying before you die. It's as if there is a part of you that so rails against being shattered by love that you shatter yourself first. Another name for this pattern? Obsession."

Anyone guilty of that? It's got me written all over it!

Lessons In Patience

I was down today. My national football team let me down again. It was painful to watch. Sometimes it's hard being an England fan. Old glory and the notion that we should be much, much better than we are.
One more game in the first round of this World Cup. We have to win it. And even then, the results of the other teams are going to count.
My friends and I felt like we were already out today. As my friend Billy put it, "The fat lady ain't singing yet but she's clearing her throat."
But, we'll still support our boys. And by the time I wake up tomorrow the vigor will be renewed and faith will take the place of dejection. Onwards and upwards. And come on England!!!

Start With What's Beautiful

This month I seem a little all over the place because well, I have been. But I haven't forgotten what this month was to be about. And I haven't forgotten the task I set for myself, which was to read "Women, Food and God".
I'm into chapter three now and it's an interesting read although I don't think I've got past the skin to the flesh and bones of it all yet.
One passage that Geneen wrote jumped out at me. It seems far from the subject matter at heart but it all has it's place in her work.

"And I believe in love. And beauty. I believe that every single person has something they find beautiful and that they truly love. The smell of their child's hair, the silence of a forest, their lover's crooked grin. Their country, their religion, their family. And I believe that if you follow this love all the way to its end, if you start with the thing you find most beautiful and trace its perfume back to its essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the thing you love to be visible like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon."

I loved that - the intangible presence, the swath of stillness, like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon. That metaphor enveloped me in the feeling of exactly what she was talking about. Just beautiful! Had to share. :-)

Thoughts Have Power

Motivation? Where Are You Hiding?

Something that often puts a spanner in the works for me is lack of motivation. And this stems from failing repeatedly. Once something happens to you a few times, it tires you, and you expect it to happen again. To get up over and over again with the same enthusiasm is very, very , very hard. I used to be super motivated but something happened on the way to dream realisation.
So how do you get that motivation back? I know it's in me. Common sense tells me that I can't do the same thing I have always done and expect different results. Here is some advice from Jim Loehr which I found in an article by Sara Reistad-Long on Oprah's website. It's practical, hard work, but he definitely sounds like he's onto something:

"To change a habit, the motivation has to begin with a deep and abiding sense of purpose, and your goal must fit into that big picture. So start by asking yourself, When all is said and done, what do I feel must happen for me to have lived a life of significance? Say it's that you want to be an extraordinary parent. If your challenge is exercise, then you can keep reminding yourself that you're not working out to be buff, you're doing it to be a great mother. You don't want to be short on energy; you don't want to come home exhausted. Once you get that connection to your ultimate mission, you have the holy grail of change.

Next ask what private voice you've been listening to—the one that keeps defeating you every time you try to reach a goal. What's the excuse it tells you? "I'm too tired to exercise"? "I don't have time"? Okay, but is that really true? What are you doing at 5:30 in the morning? Well, you're sleeping. If you really wanted to do this, you could engineer time. Identify this voice, challenge its faulty assumptions, and "out" it by getting it on paper. Once you sit back and read it, you'll see the negatives you've been letting run your life.

So what's the new story—the voice that is deeply connected to purpose, that makes you want to fight? We had a smoker who suddenly realized she went nine months during her pregnancy not touching a cigarette. She wasn't even tempted because she couldn't imagine hurting her unborn child. That story gave her strength. Think of yours as the epic of the great adventure in your life. Write it down and keep rereading it to retrain your mind.

Next comes the behavioral change. Design one to three rituals to help you get to your goal. For instance, if the goal is exercise, you're going to get up at 5:45 every other morning. Or when you want a cigarette, you'll take a drink of water instead or look at a picture of your daughter. It's always more successful to take an action (drink water) than to avoid one (not smoke).

As you put very specific rituals in place, keep going back to how it's connected to your being a successful human in the ultimate sense. Every day, fill out a log that says whether you did what you said you were going to do. We've researched this, and within 30 to 60 days, you will make it a habit. There's only one way that this will fail, and that's if you give up."

Jim Loehr: CEO of the Human Performance Institute and author of The Power of Story: Rewrite Your Destiny in Business and in Life

Something To Ask Yourself

This is a picture that I took last summer in Alphabet City in NYC. I was just looking through old pictures so I thought I'd share. Unfortunately I don't know the full name of the artist, although you can make out the name 'Beth' at the bottom of the piece. But I loved the work. And the question.

Golden Me

Lately I've been feeling lost in the mix again. A bit directionless. I can't stay in that zone for too long without doing something about it (the reason why this blog got started in the first place). A good place that always gets me started is reading. I came across something interesting in an article by Gabrielle LeBlanc about happiness.
Researchers have found that 'eudaimonic' happiness is more important than hedonic (passive pleasure orientated) happiness. 'Eu' meaning good, 'daimon' meaning spirit/deity, and eudaimonic meaning striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential.
The Greeks believed that at birth each child had bestowed upon them a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way that they visualised this was as a golden figurine that would see if you chipped away at a person's exterior.
Chipping away at the exterior is the same thing as getting to know your true self. Stripping past the outer nonsense to get to the heart of you. And this type of happiness revolves around having a sense of purpose, having goals and working towards them.
I've definitely had goals these last few months and I've slowly seen them realised. Which means - onto the next. Time to get back to my real passions and dreams. Watch this space...

Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder

Aah the England match...
I don't even need to talk about it because the world has already done that for me. It's hard being an England fan. Sometimes it just breaks your heart...
I had a wonderful day though. I reunited with a bunch of Brits that I met randomly at the last world cup four years ago which was a beautiful thing. I was on a rooftop in Manhattan with the sun shining down on me. I looked out at the city and was just so thankful to be there. Nothing beats watching my country play in the World Cup. I love it!
So England, time to brush your shoulders off. Friday's next!

COME ON ENGLAND!!

Bit late but I made it - today's post is just to say that I am super excited about the World Cup (and I'm annoying everyone around me with it!). It's very hard being a Brit surrounded by Americans and Irish people, but I'm flying the flag and I'm proud!
Big day tomorrow - England's first match in the cup and it's against America.

England football shirt? Check!
Venue filled with fellow Brits? Check!
Arrogant attitude? Check!
Belief in my team and country? On fire!

So...come on England!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where The Heart Leads...I Follow.

Women, Food and God

Ask and the universe shall provide...

So I was looking through my emails and there was one about a book that Oprah had recommended. It is called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. It is about the relationship women often have with food, and then 'God' which she describes as the best part of us, of hope, possibility. Apparently she's pretty good. And if Oprah says it's a must read and that it helped her...well...I'm all ears!
This week's task - book club!

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Sometimes I have so much to say on here, and sometimes so little. These days, this month, it feels like so little quite often. I think it's down to my goal for the month. And my completely unsuccessful start in implementing it.
First off, my hours and exhaustion haven't had me running every day. And then lack of time means I haven't been cooking the way I thought I would. But that all comes under the category of lack of motivation. So inside, I'm feeling like a failure already and we're only just into the second week. I knew this was a tough one so I think my baby steps are going to be foetal.
For some reason, the inner nerd in me is interested in the psychology behind why I find this so hard. Why so many women find the issues of food and body image so hard. Let's see where my nerd will take me...

Catch Up...

So, in the last few days I didn't write my blog. I'm not going to back date this either. Let it be a lesson in taking on too much.
I think the last 4 months of constant work finally caught up on me. On Sunday morning, after my usual weekend schedule containing 3 hours sleep on both Friday and Saturday nights, I slept through my alarm. When did I wake up? About five minutes after the time I was supposed to be at work. And how long does it take me to get there? An hour.
Don't ask how but I managed to get away with it. It left me reeling though. And I had to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe, I was taking on too much.
I never used to think of myself as one of those women that do everything and then some, and slap a side order of guilt onto anything that they don't quite accomplish (like Elizabeth Gilbert was describing in the talk I posted previously). I never felt like I did enough to even deserve that title (the fact that I felt I didn't do enough says enough in itself).
But, Sunday gave me pause. I took a look at myself in the mirror (literally) and I didn't like what I saw. Often people like to pride themselves on how little sleep they get as if it's some great achievement. I saw myself in the mirror - tired, sallow skin, breaking out, red eyes. No, sleep is not a luxury or a privilege - it's a necessity. And playing catch up for the rest of the week doesn't work. I felt awful. Time to take a little step back. We can play this game for one night a week, but no longer two.
I took Monday off. And I also had Tuesday off. It felt like heaven.
Working hard is good. And now I know I more than have it in me to do so. But most important is to take care of yourself. Which I plan on doing from now on.