Life's kicking my behind these days. I'll be the first to admit I've fallen behind on everything.
I also just found out that I won't be going home next week like I thought I would be (and bear in mind it's been a very, very long time since I've been back). At first, I shrugged my shoulders and accepted it. Went to bed that night, woke up the next morning and felt like a baby elephant was sitting on my chest. Only a baby because an adult elephant is reserved for heartache. But mama dumbo may well soon be joining her infant on my breastbone (don't ask right now, I don't have the energy to go into it). I think it hit me how long I've been away from home. Away from my family, away from my friends. Away from people I love. People who love me. There's been a lot of stress in the last two years and I felt it culminate all in one moment. I had so been looking forward to not only going home, but also getting away. To take a breather, step out of my day to day life and peer back in on it. Refresh, renew, recharge. And then come back to New York strong and ready to keep fighting for my dreams. And then that crashed. No oxygen masks dropped down. My breather was taken away from me.
So right now I'm very homesick. I'm feeling stressed. My work hours suddenly seem unbearable. And matters of the heart have me down on top of everything else. What do I feel I need? Well, seeing as I can't see my friends right now (my number one therapeutic agent), what I want to do is sit on a beach and be in front of the ocean. Maybe in three days time when I finally have a day off I'll do that.
Aah...apologies for the complaints... :-)
Non-acceptance
One thing that I'm really liking about Geneen's book is that a lot of what she's saying falls in line with Eckhart Tolle's teachings (and that man changed my life!). The idea of being in the now, of being in the present. Of not carrying past hurt around with you like luggage, and not judging yourself on past choices/experiences. Having awareness and living in the now.
Here's an excerpt from the book that I found interesting, and believe to be true.
"Stephen Levine, a Buddhist teacher, says that hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Being constantly agitated - another word for non-accepting - about the inevitable. Being in a relationship with someone and refusing to surrender to the love because you don't want to give yourself to something you will eventually lose.
That's called living in hell: refusing to love because you want the endgame to be different than it is. Wanting life to be different from what it is.
That's also called leaving without leaving. Dying before you die. It's as if there is a part of you that so rails against being shattered by love that you shatter yourself first. Another name for this pattern? Obsession."
Anyone guilty of that? It's got me written all over it!
Here's an excerpt from the book that I found interesting, and believe to be true.
"Stephen Levine, a Buddhist teacher, says that hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Being constantly agitated - another word for non-accepting - about the inevitable. Being in a relationship with someone and refusing to surrender to the love because you don't want to give yourself to something you will eventually lose.
That's called living in hell: refusing to love because you want the endgame to be different than it is. Wanting life to be different from what it is.
That's also called leaving without leaving. Dying before you die. It's as if there is a part of you that so rails against being shattered by love that you shatter yourself first. Another name for this pattern? Obsession."
Anyone guilty of that? It's got me written all over it!
Lessons In Patience
I was down today. My national football team let me down again. It was painful to watch. Sometimes it's hard being an England fan. Old glory and the notion that we should be much, much better than we are.
One more game in the first round of this World Cup. We have to win it. And even then, the results of the other teams are going to count.
My friends and I felt like we were already out today. As my friend Billy put it, "The fat lady ain't singing yet but she's clearing her throat."
But, we'll still support our boys. And by the time I wake up tomorrow the vigor will be renewed and faith will take the place of dejection. Onwards and upwards. And come on England!!!
Start With What's Beautiful
This month I seem a little all over the place because well, I have been. But I haven't forgotten what this month was to be about. And I haven't forgotten the task I set for myself, which was to read "Women, Food and God".
I'm into chapter three now and it's an interesting read although I don't think I've got past the skin to the flesh and bones of it all yet.
One passage that Geneen wrote jumped out at me. It seems far from the subject matter at heart but it all has it's place in her work.
"And I believe in love. And beauty. I believe that every single person has something they find beautiful and that they truly love. The smell of their child's hair, the silence of a forest, their lover's crooked grin. Their country, their religion, their family. And I believe that if you follow this love all the way to its end, if you start with the thing you find most beautiful and trace its perfume back to its essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the thing you love to be visible like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon."
I loved that - the intangible presence, the swath of stillness, like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon. That metaphor enveloped me in the feeling of exactly what she was talking about. Just beautiful! Had to share. :-)
I'm into chapter three now and it's an interesting read although I don't think I've got past the skin to the flesh and bones of it all yet.
One passage that Geneen wrote jumped out at me. It seems far from the subject matter at heart but it all has it's place in her work.
"And I believe in love. And beauty. I believe that every single person has something they find beautiful and that they truly love. The smell of their child's hair, the silence of a forest, their lover's crooked grin. Their country, their religion, their family. And I believe that if you follow this love all the way to its end, if you start with the thing you find most beautiful and trace its perfume back to its essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the thing you love to be visible like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon."
I loved that - the intangible presence, the swath of stillness, like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon. That metaphor enveloped me in the feeling of exactly what she was talking about. Just beautiful! Had to share. :-)
Motivation? Where Are You Hiding?
Something that often puts a spanner in the works for me is lack of motivation. And this stems from failing repeatedly. Once something happens to you a few times, it tires you, and you expect it to happen again. To get up over and over again with the same enthusiasm is very, very , very hard. I used to be super motivated but something happened on the way to dream realisation.
So how do you get that motivation back? I know it's in me. Common sense tells me that I can't do the same thing I have always done and expect different results. Here is some advice from Jim Loehr which I found in an article by Sara Reistad-Long on Oprah's website. It's practical, hard work, but he definitely sounds like he's onto something:
"To change a habit, the motivation has to begin with a deep and abiding sense of purpose, and your goal must fit into that big picture. So start by asking yourself, When all is said and done, what do I feel must happen for me to have lived a life of significance? Say it's that you want to be an extraordinary parent. If your challenge is exercise, then you can keep reminding yourself that you're not working out to be buff, you're doing it to be a great mother. You don't want to be short on energy; you don't want to come home exhausted. Once you get that connection to your ultimate mission, you have the holy grail of change.
Next ask what private voice you've been listening to—the one that keeps defeating you every time you try to reach a goal. What's the excuse it tells you? "I'm too tired to exercise"? "I don't have time"? Okay, but is that really true? What are you doing at 5:30 in the morning? Well, you're sleeping. If you really wanted to do this, you could engineer time. Identify this voice, challenge its faulty assumptions, and "out" it by getting it on paper. Once you sit back and read it, you'll see the negatives you've been letting run your life.
So what's the new story—the voice that is deeply connected to purpose, that makes you want to fight? We had a smoker who suddenly realized she went nine months during her pregnancy not touching a cigarette. She wasn't even tempted because she couldn't imagine hurting her unborn child. That story gave her strength. Think of yours as the epic of the great adventure in your life. Write it down and keep rereading it to retrain your mind.
Next comes the behavioral change. Design one to three rituals to help you get to your goal. For instance, if the goal is exercise, you're going to get up at 5:45 every other morning. Or when you want a cigarette, you'll take a drink of water instead or look at a picture of your daughter. It's always more successful to take an action (drink water) than to avoid one (not smoke).
As you put very specific rituals in place, keep going back to how it's connected to your being a successful human in the ultimate sense. Every day, fill out a log that says whether you did what you said you were going to do. We've researched this, and within 30 to 60 days, you will make it a habit. There's only one way that this will fail, and that's if you give up."
Jim Loehr: CEO of the Human Performance Institute and author of The Power of Story: Rewrite Your Destiny in Business and in Life
So how do you get that motivation back? I know it's in me. Common sense tells me that I can't do the same thing I have always done and expect different results. Here is some advice from Jim Loehr which I found in an article by Sara Reistad-Long on Oprah's website. It's practical, hard work, but he definitely sounds like he's onto something:
"To change a habit, the motivation has to begin with a deep and abiding sense of purpose, and your goal must fit into that big picture. So start by asking yourself, When all is said and done, what do I feel must happen for me to have lived a life of significance? Say it's that you want to be an extraordinary parent. If your challenge is exercise, then you can keep reminding yourself that you're not working out to be buff, you're doing it to be a great mother. You don't want to be short on energy; you don't want to come home exhausted. Once you get that connection to your ultimate mission, you have the holy grail of change.
Next ask what private voice you've been listening to—the one that keeps defeating you every time you try to reach a goal. What's the excuse it tells you? "I'm too tired to exercise"? "I don't have time"? Okay, but is that really true? What are you doing at 5:30 in the morning? Well, you're sleeping. If you really wanted to do this, you could engineer time. Identify this voice, challenge its faulty assumptions, and "out" it by getting it on paper. Once you sit back and read it, you'll see the negatives you've been letting run your life.
So what's the new story—the voice that is deeply connected to purpose, that makes you want to fight? We had a smoker who suddenly realized she went nine months during her pregnancy not touching a cigarette. She wasn't even tempted because she couldn't imagine hurting her unborn child. That story gave her strength. Think of yours as the epic of the great adventure in your life. Write it down and keep rereading it to retrain your mind.
Next comes the behavioral change. Design one to three rituals to help you get to your goal. For instance, if the goal is exercise, you're going to get up at 5:45 every other morning. Or when you want a cigarette, you'll take a drink of water instead or look at a picture of your daughter. It's always more successful to take an action (drink water) than to avoid one (not smoke).
As you put very specific rituals in place, keep going back to how it's connected to your being a successful human in the ultimate sense. Every day, fill out a log that says whether you did what you said you were going to do. We've researched this, and within 30 to 60 days, you will make it a habit. There's only one way that this will fail, and that's if you give up."
Jim Loehr: CEO of the Human Performance Institute and author of The Power of Story: Rewrite Your Destiny in Business and in Life
Something To Ask Yourself
This is a picture that I took last summer in Alphabet City in NYC. I was just looking through old pictures so I thought I'd share. Unfortunately I don't know the full name of the artist, although you can make out the name 'Beth' at the bottom of the piece. But I loved the work. And the question.
Golden Me
Lately I've been feeling lost in the mix again. A bit directionless. I can't stay in that zone for too long without doing something about it (the reason why this blog got started in the first place). A good place that always gets me started is reading. I came across something interesting in an article by Gabrielle LeBlanc about happiness.
Researchers have found that 'eudaimonic' happiness is more important than hedonic (passive pleasure orientated) happiness. 'Eu' meaning good, 'daimon' meaning spirit/deity, and eudaimonic meaning striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential.
The Greeks believed that at birth each child had bestowed upon them a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way that they visualised this was as a golden figurine that would see if you chipped away at a person's exterior.
Chipping away at the exterior is the same thing as getting to know your true self. Stripping past the outer nonsense to get to the heart of you. And this type of happiness revolves around having a sense of purpose, having goals and working towards them.
I've definitely had goals these last few months and I've slowly seen them realised. Which means - onto the next. Time to get back to my real passions and dreams. Watch this space...
Researchers have found that 'eudaimonic' happiness is more important than hedonic (passive pleasure orientated) happiness. 'Eu' meaning good, 'daimon' meaning spirit/deity, and eudaimonic meaning striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential.
The Greeks believed that at birth each child had bestowed upon them a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way that they visualised this was as a golden figurine that would see if you chipped away at a person's exterior.
Chipping away at the exterior is the same thing as getting to know your true self. Stripping past the outer nonsense to get to the heart of you. And this type of happiness revolves around having a sense of purpose, having goals and working towards them.
I've definitely had goals these last few months and I've slowly seen them realised. Which means - onto the next. Time to get back to my real passions and dreams. Watch this space...
Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder
Aah the England match...
I don't even need to talk about it because the world has already done that for me. It's hard being an England fan. Sometimes it just breaks your heart...
I had a wonderful day though. I reunited with a bunch of Brits that I met randomly at the last world cup four years ago which was a beautiful thing. I was on a rooftop in Manhattan with the sun shining down on me. I looked out at the city and was just so thankful to be there. Nothing beats watching my country play in the World Cup. I love it!
So England, time to brush your shoulders off. Friday's next!
I don't even need to talk about it because the world has already done that for me. It's hard being an England fan. Sometimes it just breaks your heart...
I had a wonderful day though. I reunited with a bunch of Brits that I met randomly at the last world cup four years ago which was a beautiful thing. I was on a rooftop in Manhattan with the sun shining down on me. I looked out at the city and was just so thankful to be there. Nothing beats watching my country play in the World Cup. I love it!
So England, time to brush your shoulders off. Friday's next!
COME ON ENGLAND!!
Bit late but I made it - today's post is just to say that I am super excited about the World Cup (and I'm annoying everyone around me with it!). It's very hard being a Brit surrounded by Americans and Irish people, but I'm flying the flag and I'm proud!
Big day tomorrow - England's first match in the cup and it's against America.
England football shirt? Check!
Venue filled with fellow Brits? Check!
Arrogant attitude? Check!
Belief in my team and country? On fire!
So...come on England!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Women, Food and God
Ask and the universe shall provide...
So I was looking through my emails and there was one about a book that Oprah had recommended. It is called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. It is about the relationship women often have with food, and then 'God' which she describes as the best part of us, of hope, possibility. Apparently she's pretty good. And if Oprah says it's a must read and that it helped her...well...I'm all ears!
This week's task - book club!
So I was looking through my emails and there was one about a book that Oprah had recommended. It is called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. It is about the relationship women often have with food, and then 'God' which she describes as the best part of us, of hope, possibility. Apparently she's pretty good. And if Oprah says it's a must read and that it helped her...well...I'm all ears!
This week's task - book club!
If At First You Don't Succeed...
Sometimes I have so much to say on here, and sometimes so little. These days, this month, it feels like so little quite often. I think it's down to my goal for the month. And my completely unsuccessful start in implementing it.
First off, my hours and exhaustion haven't had me running every day. And then lack of time means I haven't been cooking the way I thought I would. But that all comes under the category of lack of motivation. So inside, I'm feeling like a failure already and we're only just into the second week. I knew this was a tough one so I think my baby steps are going to be foetal.
For some reason, the inner nerd in me is interested in the psychology behind why I find this so hard. Why so many women find the issues of food and body image so hard. Let's see where my nerd will take me...
First off, my hours and exhaustion haven't had me running every day. And then lack of time means I haven't been cooking the way I thought I would. But that all comes under the category of lack of motivation. So inside, I'm feeling like a failure already and we're only just into the second week. I knew this was a tough one so I think my baby steps are going to be foetal.
For some reason, the inner nerd in me is interested in the psychology behind why I find this so hard. Why so many women find the issues of food and body image so hard. Let's see where my nerd will take me...
Catch Up...
So, in the last few days I didn't write my blog. I'm not going to back date this either. Let it be a lesson in taking on too much.
I think the last 4 months of constant work finally caught up on me. On Sunday morning, after my usual weekend schedule containing 3 hours sleep on both Friday and Saturday nights, I slept through my alarm. When did I wake up? About five minutes after the time I was supposed to be at work. And how long does it take me to get there? An hour.
Don't ask how but I managed to get away with it. It left me reeling though. And I had to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe, I was taking on too much.
I never used to think of myself as one of those women that do everything and then some, and slap a side order of guilt onto anything that they don't quite accomplish (like Elizabeth Gilbert was describing in the talk I posted previously). I never felt like I did enough to even deserve that title (the fact that I felt I didn't do enough says enough in itself).
But, Sunday gave me pause. I took a look at myself in the mirror (literally) and I didn't like what I saw. Often people like to pride themselves on how little sleep they get as if it's some great achievement. I saw myself in the mirror - tired, sallow skin, breaking out, red eyes. No, sleep is not a luxury or a privilege - it's a necessity. And playing catch up for the rest of the week doesn't work. I felt awful. Time to take a little step back. We can play this game for one night a week, but no longer two.
I took Monday off. And I also had Tuesday off. It felt like heaven.
Working hard is good. And now I know I more than have it in me to do so. But most important is to take care of yourself. Which I plan on doing from now on.
Body Image
Seeing as this month's goal revolves around health and fitness I should say something upfront. I find it very difficult when it comes to eating right and exercising. It runs pretty deep though as I always seemed to have issues surrounding food and the body (as many women do).
I have never been a skinny girl. I've been a dancer since I was 3 years old so I was fit, but always curvy. I'm definitely more of a Shakira or Beyonce than a Kate Moss or Gisele (who the media describe as 'curvy'...give me a break!). The funny part is that I actually think that women with curves are more beautiful. And I know that men (or at least the men I'm attracted to!) find the curves very appealing too. And yet, that doesn't help when the media bombards you with what the world should consider beautiful, when jeans never fit right, when evil changing room lights highlight every flaw you possess and then the awful part of the wonderful season of summer - swimwear.
I say all this to say that this month can't be just about switching up my diet and running more because that is going to be destined to fail. What it also needs to be about is working on the mental aspect - body image. I don't really know where to begin with all that (notes on the mirror and positive affirmations are not gonna work with this chica!) but I'll figure it out.
Also, I was planning on going head on into a new diet but I know that that too would be a mistake. So it's going to be little measurable changes that I can sustain for life. Back to my mini goals which I haven't really been doing anymore. But having said that...I may throw a detox in the mix to kick start me...
I have never been a skinny girl. I've been a dancer since I was 3 years old so I was fit, but always curvy. I'm definitely more of a Shakira or Beyonce than a Kate Moss or Gisele (who the media describe as 'curvy'...give me a break!). The funny part is that I actually think that women with curves are more beautiful. And I know that men (or at least the men I'm attracted to!) find the curves very appealing too. And yet, that doesn't help when the media bombards you with what the world should consider beautiful, when jeans never fit right, when evil changing room lights highlight every flaw you possess and then the awful part of the wonderful season of summer - swimwear.
I say all this to say that this month can't be just about switching up my diet and running more because that is going to be destined to fail. What it also needs to be about is working on the mental aspect - body image. I don't really know where to begin with all that (notes on the mirror and positive affirmations are not gonna work with this chica!) but I'll figure it out.
Also, I was planning on going head on into a new diet but I know that that too would be a mistake. So it's going to be little measurable changes that I can sustain for life. Back to my mini goals which I haven't really been doing anymore. But having said that...I may throw a detox in the mix to kick start me...
All Done!
So the task of painting my room is complete!
I was going to put a picture up, but my camera is somewhere in amongst a pile of bags and boxes that I have cluttered in my wardrobe and the living room.
There's always a sense of accomplishment when you complete a task that you set out to do - especially when it was so long in the making!
Next...moving all my things back into the room...
PS
I'm happy to say that in line with my June goals, I went for a run this morning! :-)
I was going to put a picture up, but my camera is somewhere in amongst a pile of bags and boxes that I have cluttered in my wardrobe and the living room.
There's always a sense of accomplishment when you complete a task that you set out to do - especially when it was so long in the making!
Next...moving all my things back into the room...
PS
I'm happy to say that in line with my June goals, I went for a run this morning! :-)
